More About Me

My friend, Laura Beth, pointed me to this article. I'll never look like June Cleaver, but I definitely do many of the traditionally feminine chores in my house. Like this author, I actually don't mind doing most of the laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I also do watering and some weeding, though my hubby does things like edging (well, he's done this once. Yesterday, in fact) and mowing (I'm allergic to grass!). I'll willingly admit that sometimes I actually enjoy gender roles, like when it's snowed 20 inches and it's -20 below here in Minnesota. Then I really love gender roles. And yes, I do feel guilty about liking it sometimes.



So, I'm actually okay with the chores I do (for the most part). My husband shares them with me as equally as possible for someone in residency.



It's the kin work that puts me over the edge! Which makes sense, I suppose, because it's women's third shift.

TIME Magazine Article "Chore Wars:" Part I

My friend and fellow blogger, Emily, pointed me to an article in Time Magazine, written by Ruth Davis Konigsberg. Of course, I had to go pick it up!

The article states, "Men are now pulling their weight--at work and at home. So why do women still think they're slacking off?" Specifically, Konigsberg uncovers that women and men's work days are almost exactly the same: 8 hr 11 min for men, 8 hr 3 min for women.

Men are more involved in the 2nd shift of cleaning, laundry, cooking, and more. However, nowhere in the article was the 3rd shift of planning, preparing, and conducting traditions and making family time meaningful mentioned.

Konigsberg surmises, "The gender inequity that persists, then, is in access to high-quality leisure time, which, for whatever reasons, men seem able to claim--and protect from contamination--than women."

Well, kin work is among the elusive "reasons" for this imbalance in leisure time.

As mentioned in my first post, our culture does not think of kin work as work. Does this mean it can't be fun? No. It just means it's not leisurely. It's not like getting a pedicure or sipping margaritas. Combined the two, you say? That was my first thought, too. And that's just the idea most women have had, according to the article. In 1998, mothers reported that 50% of their leisure time was combined with child-care activities. Adding a margarita or pedicure to the mix might make the 2nd and 3rd shifts more leisurely, but...

Check in for Part II tomorrow.

Sharing the Third Shift

This is us. My little family. And I reign as its kin work rebel. We've been bringing disappointment to our families since we started dating in 2001! Hoping to receive a birthday card from us? It'll be in your mailbox 14+ business days after you really wanted it. So late that you'll be embarrassed for us that we even sent it. We wanted to send it on time, but forgot. It's not you, family. It's us. Or, more accurately, it's me. It's been me.

This is how it usually works, people. A heterosexual couple gets married. Woman takes on the responsibility of organizing, negotiating, planning, and preparing all familyness. Man never has to think about it. Kids grow up observing traditional roles. Yada, yada, yada.

Not I, said the fly. Managing relationships is not only women's work. And I refuse to do it all myself. Therefore, I present you with our newest project: Sharing the Third Shift. We're going to try to do as much kin work as possible together.

Rules will be established.
Rules will be likely be broken.
Fights will probably be had.
But learning will ensue for all.

Why would a person suck at sending cards and stuff? Why is she not maternal enough to just do it, for crying out loud? "It's not that hard," you might be saying.

Things my seemingly anti-kin work attitude is NOT:

1. An expression of my hatred towards my family. Or people in general. Or holidays.

I actually love my family and my husband's family a whole lot! If you've met me you know I l o v e people. I just want my son growing up in an environment in which his mom AND dad can be seen as both reasonable and rational (traditionally paternal) as well as nurturing and family-oriented (traditionally maternal). And I want to live in a world where dads are equally as engaged in what's cooking (both literally and figuratively) for family gatherings. Before, during, and after they occur. I want men to understand how laborious this process is, and why it might contribute to women's subordination in our society.

Just to remind you, I LOVE holidays! Why else would I want to improve them? I just don't like the inequality they represent, particularly in the preparation.

2. Indicative of laziness

I'm not doing this because I'm lazy and want someone else to do it for me. (Forgetful? Yes. And that absolutely contributes to my struggles as a kin worker, btw.) From my point of view, the lazy thing to do would be to continue the cycle. It'd be much easier. I'd tell my husband who, what, where, when, how, and why, but then change would never occur. Yawn. That's lazy.

Also, in all honesty, multi-tasking has never been my cup of tea. Do you see the problem? Kin work=multi-tasking. And because I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be good at that. Ha.

We're determined to conduct kin work as a couple. And I'll be documenting some of it on this very blog.

The Third Shift

Christmas is hard work. I mean, eating all that delicious food is a big job. And all that merriment? It can really tire a person out.

Linda, a mother I interviewed, claims, “To me, Christmas is a bother;” unabashedly honest, she explains further, “But when it gets to be Halloween, I start thinking about it. And I dread it every year.”

Christmas is hard work. For women.

It won't shock most moms when they hear that women work in and out of the home an average of fifteen hours more than men each week. To put that in perspective, that's an extra month of 24 hour days a year, folks. Back in the 1980s, researcher Arlie Hochschild named all the extra work moms do on top of their regular work day the "Second Shift." It's the laundry, making dinner, organizing the kids' lunches, cleaning, and oh-so-much more. This is not to say men are completely unengaged with the daily chores involved in running a home, however. In fact, compared to generations gone by, men are much more involved in all these processes than they were.

Yes, the second shift still sucks. But I think we have missed a major piece in the discussion of gender and families. Ladies and gents, I present you with...

THE THIRD SHIFT

The third shift is comprised of what researchers call kin work. Kin work includes all tasks involved in maintaining relationships. It's the work related to forming and sustaining family rituals, such as Christmas or 4th of July celebrations. It's the correspondence such as phone calls, invitations, and thank you cards. It's documenting the moments by taking photos and scrapbooking. It's not only purchasing gifts for family members, but also brainstorming the perfect idea and then finding the right price. It's pretty much the who, what, when, where, how, and why of family connections and gatherings, both small and large. It's also the details of "Be sure you use dairy free butter in the pie crust because of cousin Laura's allergy." It's remembering birthdays and other days of significance for family and friends and then sending a card from the "whole family," even though George has no clue it's his nephew's birthday.

In its current form, kin work is quite dangerous because it is conducted so mindlessly. It is so engrained in our culture that women are hardly aware that they're doing it. Two large issues are presented with women's roles in kin work:

1. Our culture doesn't perceive kin work as work.

Women are still paid less than men, which can be attributed to several reasons, kin work being one of them. Part of the problem is that sending cards and gifts, talking to (or negotiating with) family members, and planning meals appears to be fun. And because family functions are (usually/hopefully) fun, why wouldn't all the planning be enjoyable as well? Or at least more fun than scrubbing the floors and toilets. Is it? Most people probably think so. I know I do. But it's still a form of work. It requires mental capacity and time that, if shared with men, might allow women to get ahead in their jobs (if they so desire). Or at least might narrow the "leisure gap" between men and women, in which men are proven to have much more relaxation time on weekends and after paid labor than women do.

2. Men don't do it. Because they don't know they don't do it. Because women don't know they're doing it.

Even more than household chores, kin work is done primarily by women. Unlike vacuuming and dusting, kin work is almost impossible to hire someone to do, because it involves a relational intelligence, history, and investment. This is also why it is so difficult to involve men in kin work. But it's also why it's so important. In order for any change to occur, men will need to get involved! And women will have to stand a bit of chaos for awhile, while disrupting the already well-oiled machine that is kin work.

It's not just about Christmas. Kin work happens every day of every year, and women don't love all aspects of it. This blog will explore kin work through sharing women's stories and connecting them to scholarship. Join me!