Guilt...

It seems like guilt is the name of this game called motherhood. Read this article and you'll see some statistics to support this claim.

Pinned

Are all of you obsessed with Pinterest yet? I definitely am. It's changed my life. Facebook can't hold a candle to pinterest, in my opinion.

I was pinning along, and stumbled across this website, which offers tips to help moms take photos of themselves with their kids. Some of them are great tips. Some of them go beyond my very, very amateur photography knowledge. But either way, the tips are based on the idea that women don't like having their picture taken. True? Probably, yes. The author recommends putting on makeup and picking up the house to overcome self-consciousness. But that's only half the problem, as I've mentioned previously. The other half is that many dads are not taking part in capturing and documenting family memories. Many of them don't pick up the flippin camera.

She suggests using a tripod, pre-focusing, and using a remote control to take the shots.


Is this empowering or degrading?

If you're doing this, snaps to you for managing to get in some photos. I know how hard it is! But am I missing something? The photos accompanying the post are only of children with their mothers. Not the whole family. It doesn't take a self-timer, peeps. If you're married or partnered, tell your significant other to PICK UP THE CAMERA. Because it's just a little sad for me to envision you setting the tripod and aperture (whatever that is?) in order to get a photo of yourself when you take so many photos of your partner with your children. In fact, it's painful.

Agreed?

The Power of Motherhood

A friend of mine from high school's mom was famous for her cookies. A Julia Child devotee, she had perfected her cookie baking method timed down not to the minutes they should be baked, but to the seconds. Not surprisingly, their home was a major hub because her kids were super cool and because she made delicious cookies every time people gathered. Can any CHS grads guess this family? The truth is, kids are attracted to hang out in a home that is welcoming, accommodating, and has cool stuff.



This mother made her home a place of comfort and enjoyment for her children and their friends. I'd say my mom successfully did this, too. And I think I've succeeded in doing this for my friends when they are over. It feels good. And once people start praising you for the food you've made, it feels even better.



The role of family nurturer allows women a source of power in their lives. What would our roles and lives look like if all that power was relinquished? The family/home is the one place in which society bestows mothers with a substantial amount of dominance over men. We turn to moms to learn how to to get a stain out of the carpet, how to decorate and organize a home, and how to hold and burp a baby. Remember the lack of leisure time discussed in an earlier post? Including men in more kin work would allow women to indulge in a few more margaritas and pedicures. But would it allow them to still feel powerful in their roles in their relationships, families, and society at large? What is this power worth?



Developmental psychologist, Diane Ehrensaft, advocates for “shared parenting” which involves both parents serving the purpose of what most people think of when they hear the word “mommy,” in terms of comfort and support. According to Ehrensaft, releasing this power in shared parenting can be difficult for mothers. Although doing so would provide mothers with some freedom and then men can enjoy a new connection with their child, it is easier said than done.



If your kids' daddy fulfilled many kin work roles, what would that do to your place in the family? What if he planned your kids' birthday parties? Came up with a theme, created, stuffed, addressed, and sent the invitations, bought and wrapped the presents, made or acquired the cake and food, decorated, wrote all thank you notes (or successfully made the kid do so) with you only having a peripheral role?



I predict two scenarios could ensue:



1. You could LOVE the fact that you had a very small role (like most husbands probably do. Wait. They're too oblivious to know to appreciate it).



OR



2. You could resent the fact that it wasn't done your way. The decorations weren't quite right. The invitations weren't pretty and elaborate enough. The thank you notes didn't sound sincere. You get the gist.



That's because kin work is absolutely, 100%, without a doubt attached to our identities as women and/or mothers. I do feel, however, that the resentment would eventually decrease if all families operated with more male involvement in kin work.



When practicing shared parenting, mothers are then introduced to guilt for not acting as a “real” or potentially “bad” mother. If, for instance, you thought you'd love to have your husband plan and execute the entire birthday party in the scenario above, you might be perceived as an unmotherly mother. Would you mind?



What do you all think? Are you willing to give up some power in order to gain leisure time?

Motherhood

I was reading my friend, Emily's, blog and was so relieved. Emily and I both have sons who are only nine days apart in age, so I can relate to her wholeheartedly on many levels. We're living parallel lives from different parts of the country!

Check out Emily's blog:
http://bonafidebites.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/235/

In the linked post, Emily describes how the transition to full-time, at home motherhood was challenging. I can definitely relate. Being an almost-stay-at-home mom (I teach part-time), at first, everything seemed so much harder. Everything. From showering to brushing my teeth to eating to cleaning to everything under the sun. And it's true, all of these things are harder having a little one around. Things have gotten much easier. Partially because of his age, I think. But I have started seeing this difficulty more as an honor. I'm fortunate to be a mother, I love being a mother, and I love, love, love my son. Yes, he makes things harder. But he also makes many things more fun and more fulfilling. Take the good with the hard, right?

What does this all mean for kin work and the third shift? To be determined.

P.S. Emily, how are you getting all your chores done in 15 minutes? Can you teach me?

The Third Shift

Christmas is hard work. I mean, eating all that delicious food is a big job. And all that merriment? It can really tire a person out.

Linda, a mother I interviewed, claims, “To me, Christmas is a bother;” unabashedly honest, she explains further, “But when it gets to be Halloween, I start thinking about it. And I dread it every year.”

Christmas is hard work. For women.

It won't shock most moms when they hear that women work in and out of the home an average of fifteen hours more than men each week. To put that in perspective, that's an extra month of 24 hour days a year, folks. Back in the 1980s, researcher Arlie Hochschild named all the extra work moms do on top of their regular work day the "Second Shift." It's the laundry, making dinner, organizing the kids' lunches, cleaning, and oh-so-much more. This is not to say men are completely unengaged with the daily chores involved in running a home, however. In fact, compared to generations gone by, men are much more involved in all these processes than they were.

Yes, the second shift still sucks. But I think we have missed a major piece in the discussion of gender and families. Ladies and gents, I present you with...

THE THIRD SHIFT

The third shift is comprised of what researchers call kin work. Kin work includes all tasks involved in maintaining relationships. It's the work related to forming and sustaining family rituals, such as Christmas or 4th of July celebrations. It's the correspondence such as phone calls, invitations, and thank you cards. It's documenting the moments by taking photos and scrapbooking. It's not only purchasing gifts for family members, but also brainstorming the perfect idea and then finding the right price. It's pretty much the who, what, when, where, how, and why of family connections and gatherings, both small and large. It's also the details of "Be sure you use dairy free butter in the pie crust because of cousin Laura's allergy." It's remembering birthdays and other days of significance for family and friends and then sending a card from the "whole family," even though George has no clue it's his nephew's birthday.

In its current form, kin work is quite dangerous because it is conducted so mindlessly. It is so engrained in our culture that women are hardly aware that they're doing it. Two large issues are presented with women's roles in kin work:

1. Our culture doesn't perceive kin work as work.

Women are still paid less than men, which can be attributed to several reasons, kin work being one of them. Part of the problem is that sending cards and gifts, talking to (or negotiating with) family members, and planning meals appears to be fun. And because family functions are (usually/hopefully) fun, why wouldn't all the planning be enjoyable as well? Or at least more fun than scrubbing the floors and toilets. Is it? Most people probably think so. I know I do. But it's still a form of work. It requires mental capacity and time that, if shared with men, might allow women to get ahead in their jobs (if they so desire). Or at least might narrow the "leisure gap" between men and women, in which men are proven to have much more relaxation time on weekends and after paid labor than women do.

2. Men don't do it. Because they don't know they don't do it. Because women don't know they're doing it.

Even more than household chores, kin work is done primarily by women. Unlike vacuuming and dusting, kin work is almost impossible to hire someone to do, because it involves a relational intelligence, history, and investment. This is also why it is so difficult to involve men in kin work. But it's also why it's so important. In order for any change to occur, men will need to get involved! And women will have to stand a bit of chaos for awhile, while disrupting the already well-oiled machine that is kin work.

It's not just about Christmas. Kin work happens every day of every year, and women don't love all aspects of it. This blog will explore kin work through sharing women's stories and connecting them to scholarship. Join me!

Women’s Ministry in the Local Church

A Book Review by Pastor John Sleadd

I was asked a while back to review a book that a local church wanted to use to enhance its women's ministry. Here it is in the form of a letter to the authors.

Dear Ligon Duncan and Susan Hunt,

I just read your book, Women’s Ministry in the Local Church. Thank you for challenging the egalitarian and feminist practices that have crept into many of our churches today. Thank you for affirming male headship and complementarianism in gender roles. And thank you for reminding women, particularly older women, to be spiritual mentors to the younger ladies. You make a strong case for promoting submission, compassion, community, and discipleship, all guided by Scripture. The material in your appendices for organizing women's Bible studies is strong on doctrine and organization.

As I read through your book, however, I got the feeling that you had missed something important. One of your foundational assertions is that women are “helpers” and “life givers, (pgs. 34, 35), yet not a single paragraph in your work addressed the role of women as wives and mothers in the home. This is curious since the major Scriptural proof texts you use for your assertion explicitly state homemaking as a primary ministry role.

“No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander” (1 Timothy 5:9-10, 14) [author's emphasis].

“Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God” (Titus 2:3-5 ) [author's emphasis].

Perhaps this oversight is due to your focus on the involvement of women solely in church programs, apart from home life. By omission, your book seems to imply that a woman’s helping role to her husband at home (in household management, business and ministry), and her mothering role to her children (including education), are not significant contributions to the local church. This is a serious mistake, I think.

While I appreciate your exhortations that women be involved in diaconal ministry in the church, I think you have neglected to remind them of their glorious calling to motherhood at home. God commands and blesses it in His dominion mandate to fill and subdue the earth. (Genesis 1:28) He seeks godly offspring (Malachi 2:15). He declares children as a gift and a reward. (Psalm 127:3) He declares that women are restored by childbearing. (1 Timothy 2:15) He commends diligent women who care for their children and their household (Provebs 31). A mother's instruction adorns the character of a child (Proverbs 1:8-9).

Church leaders should encourage women to rejoice in their roles of wives and mothers, and trainers of children. This does not prevent them from participating in great Bible studies, affinity groups, outreach projects, and church programs. It just helps them put the first things first. As they bring blessing to those around them in their homes, so shall they bring blessing to the gathering of the church, as well.

I admit that I have not read other books you have written. Perhaps you speak of such things in Susan’s book, Spiritual Mothering. Still, Women’s Ministry in the Local Church should itself include an emphasis on the crucial, primary service of women to fully employ their helping, life-giving gifts in their homes.

I recommend the book, So Much More, by Anna Sofia Botkin and Elizabeth Botkin, for a good read on the ministry of young women in their calling to advance the kingdom of God.

Respectfully,

John Sleadd